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I Killed My Refrigerator

Why I will no longer own a refrigerator

My refrigerator is used to store objects until ready to be discarded. I made the mistake of looking for the cherry tomatoes placed in the fridge a few days ago. While poking through an array of extinct hairy globules, a container of almost recognizable peas and behind the abandoned mayonnaise jar, I found the tomatoes cowering behind patches of sticky, honey like substances glowing evilly as lights flickered on and off over the substance, it's pseudopods slowly engulfing a lone deviled egg.

And there, in the dim recesses behind the old sock, were the tomatoes! (So that's where lost laundry socks go to die!) Pulling them out with relish (and rinsing the relish from them ) I noticed a discernible odor of “boy sock” on them. When the dishwasher was finished, I figured they were by now edible. Not so! The sock still tasted better.

Wearing my WWII vintage gas mask, knife clenched in my teeth, I began Cleaning the Fridge! Under the rotted orange I found the relish container referred to above, which, since entering the fridge in the Pleistocene era, had lived long enough it somehow fermented, the expanding gasses had broken free and were now roaming the fridge, looting and pillaging. Immediately noting I was overmatched, I carted the fridge into the back yard. Where I burned it! It glowed satisfactorily late into the night, when I discovered to my horror, the glowing was caused by the honey – like substance, now freed to roam the neighborhood.

As I write this two weeks later, the swat team has disbanded, the fridge has sunken into the hole left by the radioactive material, and some of the neighbors have begun cautiously returning. Henceforth, I will never again own a refrigerator, will throw away all prepared but uneaten food on a daily basis, thus never having to deal again with a refrigerator in revolution. Though now I'll have to wear only one of some pairs of socks, there being only one available.  

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